Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
