Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
