she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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