I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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