Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
