im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
