I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What a dumb baby whore.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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