Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
