i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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