thus making me awesome and them whores
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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