somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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