I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
