i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
