God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
