WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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