This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
