and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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