I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
