You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
