Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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