Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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