Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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