Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hippo gnu deer
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
