My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
no, he came in my armpit
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
God, I missed his penis.
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