I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
