I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
