I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
