Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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