I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
