I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
