So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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