Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
