If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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