Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
