when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
