I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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