I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
