Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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