Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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