I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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