On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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