i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
