i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
