Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
