Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
