my phone needs a breathalizer
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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