I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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