ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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