Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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