Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
