I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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