This dress was meant to end up on your floor
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
