I can tuck mytits in my pants
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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