I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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