saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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