I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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