guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
