I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
