New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
